Who is the mightiest animal in the jungle?

A tiger woke up one morning feeling magnificent. He felt so great he went outside and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "Who is the mightiest of all the jungle animals?" The terrified little monkey replied, "You, of course. No one is mightier than you."
A little while later it was a deer's turn. "Who is the greatest and strongest of all the jungle animals?" roared the tiger. The deer just managed to stammer a reply. "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
On a roll, the tiger swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly munching no some weeds and roared at the top of his voice, "Who is the mightiest of all the animals in the jungle?" The elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up, slammed him down, picked him up again and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange and black. Finally, it threw the tiger into a nearby tree. The tiger fell out of the tree, staggered to his feet, looked at the elephant and said, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, no need to get so pissed off!"

Footbal in the Jungle

The animals were bored. Finally the lion had a great idea. "Let's play the game the humans play. Football. I've seen it on TV."
The lion's team received. They got their two firsts down and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First he crushed a road-runner, then two rabbits. He gored a wilderbeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to the daylight, scoring six. Unfortunately they lacked a place kicker and the scored remained 6-0.
Later in the first half the lion's team scored a touch-down and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at half-time.
The lion gave a pep-talk in the locker room. "Look you guys, we can win this game. But we've got to keep the ball away from the rhino. He's a killer. Mule, when you kick off, be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. He stomped two gazelles, skewered a giraffe, bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free when, suddenly, at the 20-yard line, he dropped down dead. There were no other animals in sight.
The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yes, I did," the centipede replied.
The lion yelled, "Where the hell were you during the first half?"
"Get off my back. I was putting on my shoes!"

The Gorilla Wrestler and His Dog

In Africa a camera crew has been assigned to get footage of the World Famous Gorilla Wrestler at work. The camera crew is in the truck with him and his dog, and they come across a small tree. The wrestler says to them, "Just wait here, I'll be right back."
He climbs the tree, wrestles with a gorilla for a while, then throws it to the ground. Quick as a flash, the man's dog jumps on the poor animal and has sex with it until it faints. The man throws it in the back of the van, and they drive on to a medium-sized tree with a medium-sized gorilla. And the same thing happens.
Then they're driving along, and there's a huge tree with an absolutely massive gorilla in it. THe man hands the cameraman a gun.
"What's this for?" the cameraman asks.
"Well, there's a small chance that I might lose the battle here. And if I do, shoot the dog!"

Dave and a Cat

Dave, out caught in the rain, ducked into a pub. There he met some old friends, had a few drinks and a few more, and at midnight started to stagger home through the rain. Feeling cold, he decided to get himself an Indian curry, so he headed for his local Taj Mahal take-away and ordered an extra hot vindaloo.
Arriving home, he placed the curry on the table and went upstairs for a pee. Whereupon the cat approached the curry and, feeling neglected and hungry, decided to have a go at it. Nibble nibble, chomp chomp, lick lick. The vindaloo vanished.
Dave returned and was appalled to dicover the cat licking the plate. He grabbed it by the neck and dragged it outside. "You dreadful little moggie. I hate you. You're dead," he ranted. Filling a dustbin with water, he threw the hissing cat into it and slammed the lid down. He then put a few bricks on top, just to be on the safe side.
Dave returned to his sitting room feeling very sorry for himself. A few minutes later he heard a knock on the window and, lo and behold, there was the cat. The cat looked at him and said, "You wouldn't happen to have any more water, would you?"

Hank who farts...

Hank had a problem with flatulence. No matter what he ate, he farted. So he dreaded his new girlfriend's invitation to have dinner with her parents.
It was a very formal occasion and after he'd been sitting at the table for a while, he felt an incredible pain in his stomach and just had to fart. Just then, the family's dog Fido, which was sitting under the table, let out a growl. His girlfriend's mother yelled, "Fido!" Hank was relieved. It didn't matter if he farted, they'd blame the dog.
So he let go a bigger fart and, sure enough, the father yelled at the dog. "Fido!" But the pressure was still building up, so Hank lets out a huge, ripping fart and the mother yelled at the dog again. "Fido, get out from under the table before he shits all over you!"

Question related to elephant

Question: How do you get four elephants into a Volkswagen?
Answer: Two in the front and two in the back.

Question: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
Answer: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Question: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Answer: Take away his credit card.

Question: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
Answer: Swim for your life!

Soccer Match

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the elephants decided to challenge the ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well, with the elephants beating the ants ten goals to nil, when the ants gained possession.
The ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the elephants' goal when the elephants' left-back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on
the little ant, killing him instantly.
The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"
The elephant replied, "Well I didn't meant to kill him - I was just trying to trip him up."

A cowboy who lost his horse

A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds his horse has been stolen. He walks back into the bar, and fires his gun through the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU MOTHERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yells. No one answers. "ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS."
He gets another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and makes to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turns to him and says, "I had to bloody walk home."

Give me back my daughter!

One day a mum and her eight-year-old daughter were walking along the beach, just at the water's edge, when a huge wave crashed on the beach, sweeping the child out to sea. "Oh God," lamented the mother, looking up at the heavens and shaking her fist. "She was my only child. I can't have more. She was the love and joy of my life and I've cherished every moment she's been with me. Give her back to me and I'll be in church every day. Forever!"
Suddenly an even bigger wave deposited the girl back on the sand. The mother looked up to Heaven and said, "She was wearing a hat!"

I'm on the wrong bus!

A drunk gets on a bus, staggers up the aisle and sits next to an old lady, breathing fumes all over her. She looks at him with withering contempt and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to Hell." The drunk jumps out of his eat and shouts, "Christ! I'm on the wrong bus!"

The Rope to Monastery

A monastery was perched high on a cliff and the only way to reach it was to ride in a basket which was hauled to the top by several monks. Obviously, the ride up the steep cliff in the basket was terrifying. One visitor got exceedingly nervous. About halfway up he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and fraying. With a trembling voice, he asked the monk who was riding with him how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered, "Whenever it breaks."

A very religious parrot

A preacher is buying a parrot. "Are you absolutely certain it doesn't swear?" asked the preacher. "Oh absolutely. It is a very religious parrot," the storekeeper assured him. "Do you see those strings on his legs? If you pull the right one he'll recite the Lord's Prayer. And if you pull the left one, he'll recite the 23rd Psalm."
"That's wonderful," said the preacher. "But what happens if you pull both strings?"
"I fall off my fuckin' perch, you goddamn shit-for-brains," screeched the parrot.

Bloody steak!

The Pope is on his 1988 tour of America, in the middle of a three-day bash in New York. On the second day, he is driving back to his motel after a heavy day's bible bashing. It suddenly occurs to him that he is alittle peckish and so he decides to go for something to eat. Out of the corner of his eye, he notices Mel's Diner and immediately pulls over.
He hops out, kisses the ground a couple of times and then goes in and sits down. A waitress wanders over, notices who he is and then straightens herself up. "Yes, your Holiness, what would you like?" The Pope thinks for a while. "Well, daughter, I have this terrible craving for a nice steak."
"Sure Mac, er, I mean your Holiness. Would you like it well done, medium or rare?"
"Oh, I think I'd like a very rare one please." The waitress raises her arm. "One bloody steak, Mel!" she shouts. The Pope is horrified. "Oh no, my daughter, you mustn't swear. There's no call for that!"
"But you don't understand-"bloody" describes how the steak is cooked. Very rare." The Pope smiles. "I understand, how stupid of me."
A little later, the Pope's steak arrives and he gets stuck in. It's delicious, and he goes to bed that night feeling satisfied. The next day, the Pope has an even bigger God-squadding session, in which he is assisted by 31 of his cardinals. Afterwards he calls his cardinals together. "Right lads, as you've done a really good job today, I'll treat you to a bit of nosh at this place I know. You'll like it, I'm sure."
So the Pope takes his cardinals to the diner and calls to the waitress, "Can I have 32 bloody steaks please?"
Immediately, one of the cardinals slaps his knee. "Hey, yeah! And plenty of fucking chips, okay?"

A rich American and the Pope

A rich American tourist holidaying in Rome was intent on seeing the Pope. He waited in a long queue, wearing a rather expensive suit and hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps exchange a few words with him.
As the Pope made his way slowly down the queue, he walked right passed the American without noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a tramp, leaned over and whispered something in his ear, and made his way on again.
This pissed off the American, so he agreed to pay $1000 to the tramp for his suit in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.
The next morning, the Pope made his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, the Pope leaned over and spoke softly in his ear, "I thought I told you to fuck off!"

Hell or Heaven?

A priest died. Like all good Christians he went to Heaven and knocked on the door. Peter opened the door and lifted an enquiring eyebrow. The priest said, "I'm the priest." Peter picked up the phone and rang Jesus. "I have someone here who says he's the priest. Do you know him?"
"No, never heard of him. Send him to Hell," Jesus answered.
"That can't be true. Ring God himself," the priest said. So Peter rang God and said, "We've got someone who says he's the Pope. Do you know him?" God answered, "No, never heard of him, send him to Hell,"
"The last chance I have is the Holy Spirit," the priest said. Peter rang him and said, "I have someone here who says he's the priest. Do you know him?"
"Yes," he said. "I know him. He's the one who told everyone I got Maria pregnant. Send him to Hell."

THE SISTERS OF MERCY

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it is just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.
When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT. His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot stands a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and the door is answered by another nun, holding a tin cup.
"Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway," she says. He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

The goddamn fish...

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking by and said, "Wow, what a goddamn fish!" The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't talk to me like that. I'm a nun!" and the man said, "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish."
So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said, "Mother Superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught." The Mother Superior said, "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!" And the sister said, "But Mother Superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish."
The Mother Superior said, "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish the Monsignor walked in and she said, "Monsignor, look at the goddamn fish that Sister caught." The Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!" and the Mother Superior said, "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish." So the Monsignor said, "Well, give me the goddamn fish and I'll cook it."
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish." The sister said, "I caught the goddamn fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the goddamn fish." And the Monsignor said, "I cooked the goddamn fish." And the new priest said, "I like this fucking place already!"

Advertising campaign of a nail company

There was a wealthy Jew who owned a nail company. His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company. So he placed his son in charge of the new advertising campaign. He told him that he would have no supervision and that any and all resources he need would be at his disposal. The son was elated and immediately set off to make his father proud.
Four weeks later the son proudly proclaimed, "I have finished!" He took his father out to examine the first product of the new campaign: a billboard portraying Christ on a cross with the caption, "Even Then They Used Goldberg Nails".
The father explained to the son that they couldn't portray Christ on a cross as it might offend their Christian clients. Dejected, the son said that he would fix the problem and report back to his father.
One week later the son took his father to see the billboard. Christ was no longer on the cross; he was lying at the base of the cross and the caption read, "This Wouldn't Happen With Goldberg Nails".

Jesus will save me!

A man was trapped on a desert island and it was sinking into the sea. As the water lapped round his feet a motorboat suddenly approached. "Come on man, get in," said the boatman.
"No," the man said, "I have faith in Jesus. He will save me."
So the boat went off and the water continued to rise. When it was up to his chest another boat appeared. "Get in the boat or you're going to drown," said the boatman.
Again he said, "No, I have faith in Jesus. He will save me."
The boat went off and the water continued to rise. When it was up to his chin, a third boat appeared. "This is your last chance, get in!"
"No, Jesus will save me."
The boat departed, the water continued to rise and the man drowned. Arriving in Heaven he was greeted by Jesus. "Hey Jesus, I trusted in you all my life and you let me down. You let me drown! I don't believe it."
"You don't believe it!" said Jesus. "I sent three fucking boats to save you."

Whosoever is without sin, let them cast the first stone

A crowd of people has collected around a harlot, preparing to stone her. Jesus walks through the crowd, saying, "Whosoever is without sin, let them cast the first stone." Over the crowd comes a rock and, POW, it hits the harlot square on the head and kills her. "Mother, sometimes you just piss me off!" said Jesus after he'd thrown the rock.

"I have answered your call, Jesus."

Jesus, hanging on the cross, spots Peter in the crowd at the bottom of the hill. "Peter," he calls, "Peter." Peter hears his name and replies, "I hear, Lord. I'm coming," and starts up the hill towards the cross. A Roman guard blocks Peter's way and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your arm." But Peter says, "I must go on, my Lord is calling me," and tries to pass the guard, who cuts off his arm with a sword.
Jesus calls again, "Peter, Peter..." Peter continues, bleeding and in terrible pain, up the hill towards the cross. Another guard blocks his way and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your other arm." Peter ignores this, saying, "I must go on, my Lord is calling me." As Peter tries to pass, the second guard cuts off his other arm with his sword.
Jesus calls again, "Peter..." Peter, getting weak from the pain, continues up the hill. A third guard blocks his way and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your leg." Peter says to the guard, "I must go on, my Lord is calling me." As Peter tries to continues up the hill, the guard cuts off his leg. Peter falls in a heap of pain and blood, but still manages to push and drag himself up the hill towards the cross with his one remaining leg.
Jesus calls again, "Peter, Peter..." Peter replies, "I hear Lord, I'm coming." Another guard steps in front of Peter and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your other leg." Peter squirms to try to pass the guard, and the guard cuts off Peter's other leg. In excruciating pain, Peter uses sheer willpower to drag his mutilated body to the base of the cross. Panting, he raises his eyes towards Jesus and says, "I am here, Lord. I have answered your call."
Jesus looks down at Peter and says, "Peter... I can see your house from up here."

Coffee break in Hell...

A guy dies and goes to Hell. The Devil greets him warmly at the gates and they enter a long corridor. As they walk along the Devil explains, "Now that you're in Hell, you must choose the manner in which you will spend all eternity. I will show you some rooms and you must choose one."
They get to the first room. The door opens and the man peers in. An endless circle of the damned with weights strapped to their backs walk around barefoot on hot coals. "Oh, I don't think I like that," says the man. They continue on to the second room.
In the second room, the damned walk around listening to elevator Muzak, walking on broken glass. "Oh, I don't think I could stand that," says the man.
In the last room, the man is surprised to find that damned standing around up to their armpits in shit, drinking coffee. "That doesn't look so bad!" says the man. "I'll stay here for eternity."
"Very well,' says the Devil, closing the door behind him.
"Hmm, this isn't so bad," thinks the man, as a demon gives him a cup of coffee. Suddenly the room supervisor calls out on his megaphone, "All right everybody, coffee break's over! Back on your heads!"

Capitalist or Communist??

A politician had just arrived in Hell and was told he had to make a choice. He could go to Capitalist Hell or Communist Hell. Wanting to compare the two, he wandered over to Capitalist Hell where, outside the door, Adam Smith stood looking bored.
"What's it like in there?" asked the politician.
"Well," replied Adam, "in Capitalist Hell they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock, and let a vulture tear your liver out. Then they cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"That's awful," said the politician, "I'm going to check out Communist Hell." He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a long line of people waiting to get in. The line went round and round seven times and then receded towards the horizon. The politician pushed his way to the head of the line where, lo and behold, Karl Marx was busily signing people in. He asked Karl what Communist Hell was like.
"In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock, and let vultures tear out your liver. Then they cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"But isn't that the same as Capitalist Hell?" the Politician asked.
"Yes," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we don't have knives..."

The three questions

A bloke applies for admission at the Pearly Gates. St Peter says that there's a test consisting of three questions.
"For the first question, tell me which two days of the week begin with the letter T."
"That's easy," said the bloke, "today and tomorrow."
"Hmm," said St Peter. "Okay, just. Now for the second question. Tell me how many seconds there are in a year."
"Twelve."
"Twelve!!" exclaimed St Peter. "How twelve?"
"There's January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc."
"Okay," said St Peter, "for the third question, tell me God's first name."
"Andy."
"Andy?"
"Yeah, it's there in the song. "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I'm His own...." "

Who've had the most horrible death??

Three men were standing in line at the Pearly Gates. It had been a pretty busy day so Peter told the first one, "We're just about full up at the moment, so I've been asked to admit only people who've had a particularly horrible death. What's your story?"
The first replies, "Well, I'd suspected my wife of cheating on me. So today I came home early to try to catch her. As I came into my 25th-floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong. But all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. So I went out onto the balcony and, sure enough, there was this bloke hanging off the railing. I was really mad, so I started beating him and kicking him, but he wouldn't fall off. So I went back into the apartment, got a hammer and started bashing his fingers. He let go and fell. But he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I was so angry I rushed into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge. It landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad death to me," said Peter, letting the man in.
"It's been a very strange day," said the second man. "You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building and every morning I do exercises out on my balcony. Well this morning I slipped and I fell over the edge. I got lucky and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. But suddenly this man burst onto the balcony and started beating me and kicking me. Then he got a hammer and started bashing at my hands. Finally I let go but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes. I was stunned but okay. Whereupon a refrigerator came falling out of the sky and crushed me. And now I'm here."
Once again, St Peter conceded it was a pretty horrible death.
Then the third man told his story, "Picture this," he says, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Jesus Christ: "Are you my father??"

St Peter has a day off and Jesus is standing in for him. Whilst booking in the new arrivals, Jesus notices an old man in the queue who seems familiar. When he gets to the front of the line, Jesus asks him his name.
"Your name?" Jesus asked.
"Joseph."
Jesus is now more inquisitive. "Your occupation?"
"Carpenter."
By now Jesus is getting quite excited. "Did you have a little boy?"
"Yes."
"Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?"
"Yes."
Jesus looks at the old man and with a tear in his eye shouts, "Father! Father!"
The old man looks puzzled and, after a moment, replies, "Pinocchio?"

Not the only one here

Jew dies, goes to Heaven. Meets St Peter at the Pearly Gates. Gets guided tour of Heaven. At one point they come to a huge wall. St Peter says, "Ssshh." The Jew asks why. St Peter says, "On the other side of the wall are the Christians, and they think they're the only ones here."

Follow the voice!!!!

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice shout, "DIG!" He looks around, but nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks.
Then he hears the voice again. "I SAID DIG!" So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands and, after some time, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says, "OPEN!" So the man opens it and he sees lots of gold coins.
The deep voice says, "TO THE CASINO!" The man takes the chest to the casino and the deep voice says, "ROULETTE!" So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice say, "27!" He takes the whole pile and drops it at 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stays at 26. The deep voice says, "SHIT!"

Size of the family

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon were sitting together one Sunday bragging about the size of their respective families.
The Catholic said, "I've got a pretty big family. In fact I've now got four kids, all boys. One more and I could have a basketball team."
The Baptist said, "That's nothing. I've got eight boys, one more and I could have a baseball team!"
The two looked at the Mormon. After a moment of contemplation, he said, "Well guys, I now have 17 wives. One more and I could have a golf course."

God, I don't know!

Why God never received tenure at any university:

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referee journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His co-operative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there are only ten requirements, most students failed his test.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
    

The seventh

An English tourist is on holiday in a Cornish village when he spots what is obviously the village idiot sitting next to the horse trough. In his hand is an old stick, and tied to the end is a piece of string which is dangling in the water. The tourist decides to humour the fellow and asks, "Have you caught anything yet?" The village idiot looks up and studies the stranger before saying, "Aye, you be the seventh today."

No food service...

A ham sandwich walked into a bar, ordered a drink and the bartender said, "No, we don't serve food here."

Confession of a wife...

Going through his wife's bedroom drawers, a farmer discovered three soya beans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. He confronted his wife, who promptly confessed. "Darling, over the years I haven't been completely faithful to you. But when I do fool around, I put a soya bean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion."
The farmer admitted that he hadn't always been faithful either and, therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness. "Where did the $30 come from?" he asked.
"Oh that," his wife replied. "When soya beans hit $10 a bushell, I sold out."

Why why why?

Many an American tourist around Windsor Castle has been heard asking, "Why did they built it so close to the airport?"

What is it?

Question: What is bright orange and sounds like a parrot?
Answer: A carrot.

Why do farts smell??

Question: Why do farts smell?
Answer: For the benefit of the deaf.

Imitation

A guy walks into a bar and sits down on the barstool. "Hey, barthendther, gifth me a beer." The bartender walks over with a tall cool one. "Here'sth your beer."
The other guy sits up straight. "Heey, you're imithating mee."
"No, I talk thith way too."
"Okay, I guesth itth okay."
Later, a big burly guy walks in and sits down at the other end of the bar. "Yo, bartender. Gimme a beer." The bartender responds, "One beer comin' up man."
The little guy gets ticked off and yells,"Heey, you were imithathing mee!" The bartender comes over close and replies, "No, I wasth imithathing the other guy."

Buying horses...

Juan and Jose were shopping for horses. When they'd each found the horse they wanted, they were in a quandary.
"How will we tell which horse is yours and which is mine?" asked Jose.
"I know. You crop your horse's ears and I'll leave mine as they are," answered Juan.
"No, that would hurt the horse."
"Okay. I'll cut my horse's tail and you keep your horse's tail long."
"Nooooo! Horses need their tails long to brush flies off."
"I know. Branding! I'll put a big X on the rear of my horse. And you put a big Y on yours."
"No, no. My horse is too beautiful to mark up like that."
"I've got it," said Jose. "You take the black one. I'll take the white one."

Golfer and Caddy

After a long day on the course the exasperated golfer turned to his caddy and said, "You must be the absolute worst caddy in the world."
"No, I don't think so," said the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

A talking sausage!

A piece of bacon and a sausage are in a frying pan being cooked. The sausage says, "It's hot in here, isn't it?" and the bacon replies, "Wow! A talking sausage!"

Special wine tasting ability

On his first date with a beautiful woman, a bloke decided to impress her with his abilities in wine tasting. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Cabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros district vineyard. Upon tasting it, the young man berated the wine steward. "No, no, no! This is a 1987 vintage from the North Coast vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me exactly what I ordered."
The second bottle was poured and, once again, the man was very annoyed. "No, no, no! This is 1985 all right, but it's from the Mount Helena vineyards!"
Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk staggered over to the couples table and said, "Wow! That's an impressive ability you've got. Can you tell me what's in this glass?"
Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress, the man sipped at the drunks glass. "Christ, that tastes like piss," he yelled as he spat the mouthful out.
"That's right!" exclaimed the drunk. "Now tell me where I was born and how old I am."

Empty porridge bowl...

One morning Daddy Bear came down to breakfast, to find his porridge bowl empty.
"Somebody's been eating my porridge," said Daddy Bear.
"Someone's been eating my porridge!" said Baby Bear.
At that moment Mummy Bear came out of the kitchen and said, "What's the problem, you stupid fools. I haven't made it yet!"

Busy businessman

A young business man rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques. But no business was coming in. Sitting there, worrying, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to look busy, he picked up the phone and pretended he was negotiating a big deal. He spoke loudly about big figures and huge commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "I've come to install the phone."

Deer tracks or wolf tracks?

Two men are walking through the woods. One looks down and says, "Look at the deer tracks." The other man looks and says, "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No, those are deer tracks." They keep arguing and arguing and ten minutes later they're both killed by a train.

Clever or dumb?

A boy was tired of hearing all his friends saying that he's a dumb. He decided to prove them wrong. He spent weeks studying a map of the United States, memorizing all the capitals for all the states. The next time, his friends started to say the same thing about him. Then he said "Hey, I'm not stupid or dumb. Maybe, I'm better than all of you. I can prove it here and now. Give me the name of any state and I'll tell you its capital without thinking."
"Vermont," someone suggested.
"Its capital is V." answered the boy confidently.

The end of everything!

Question: What is the end of everything?
Answer: The end of everything is "g". (everythin"g")

College of Assuming??

There was a middle-aged man called Steve who decided to return to college to pursue a degree. Not being sure of what he wanted to take, he began to look around campus at all the different colleges. He saw the college of physics, the college of sociology, the college of psychology and the college of assuming. Having never heard of a college of assuming, Steve was puzzled.
While he stood there pondering what it was, the Dean of the college happened by and inquired if he could help. Steve replied, "I've never heard of the college of assuming. What is it?"
"Well, I'm the Dean of the college. Here in the college of assuming, we take assumption to a new art form," said the Dean.
"I still don't understand," replied Steve.
"Let's try this. Can I assume you have a dog?" asked the Dean.
"Why, yes, I do have a dog," replied Steve.
"And can I assume that you have a backyard for your dog to play in?" inquired the Dean. "Why yes, I do have a backyard for my dog," said Steve."
"Okay, and can I further assume that because you have a backyard you also have a house?" said the Dean.
"Why yes, I do have a house," said Steve, beginning to be amazed.
"Now, because you have a house and a dog, and a backyard, can I then assume that you have a wife?" said the Dean flatly.
"That's amazing! Yes, I do have a wife," said Steve.
"Then because you have a wife, can I assume you are not gay?" inquired the Dean.
"No, I'm not gay," replied Steve.
"There you see," stated the Dean. "From the simple fact of assuming you had a dog, I was able to assume you had a house with a backyard, a wife, and you are not gay."
Clearly amazed, Steve enrolled in the class of assumptions. One day about three weeks later, while waiting for class to start, Steve saw a very puzzled man in the halls. "Can I help you?" inquired Steve.
"Why yes," replied the man. "What is the college of assuming?"
Delighted, Steve replied, "The college of assuming takes assumption to a new art form."
"I'm not sure I understand," replied the man.
"Well, let me give you an example," said Steve. "Do you own a dog?"
"Well no," replied the man.
Steve quickly stepped back and said, "You fag!"

• (Steve said like this because the Dean assumed that he's not a gay by assuming that Steve has a dog, so when that man said that he had no dog, Steve assumed that he's a fag. That's the moral of the story. :) Lolzz...)

Hello everyone!!

This is the first time that I start to create this blog of my own. Right now, I haven't got much free time to update it. This blog will not just be about Zaman, but we'll share some nice songs, videos, lyrics, games, software, pictures, and other things. Hopefully, I'll be able to finish it next 2 months. So don't forget to check it. From me, Darapheak Tin. (12B's member, Zaman International School, Academic year: 2007-2008).

Good luck!! Bye!