Absent-minded Dog...

A man is walking home when he sees a dog buying meat for his owner.The man watches the dog when the butcher takes a little to much and growls and him until he gets the right amount.
The man follows the dog and watches as the dog stands on two legs and helps an old lady across the street.
Amazed the man follows the dog home and watches the dog ring the doorbell. When the owner comes to the door the owner takes the bags and tells the dog to stay in the front yard.
Frustrated the man goes up to the owner and yells "This dog is amazing! He gets your groceries, makes sure you have the exact change, helps old ladies across the street and this is how you treat him!"
The owner replies" I know but,this is the 3rd time this week he left his keys".

English Patient

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn’t remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:
YOU WANKER — GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!

The Prognosis

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you’re just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

The FBI Dog

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," say the personnel director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." Sitting down at the computer, the dog types out 80 words per minute. "Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course." This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time. "There's one last requirement," the director continues, "you must be bilingual," With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

That's what Bullshit can do

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree," sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun and blew the f*ck out of the pheasant.
The moral of this story? BULLSHIT MIGHT GET YOU TO THE TOP, BUT IT WON'T KEEP YOU THERE.

Strange Horse...

A man was driving through the country, got thirsty and entered a pub. After a few minutes a large brown horse came clip-clopping in, sat down at a table, crossed its legs and ordered a coffee. Astonished, he asked the pub keeper if this wasn't just a little strange.
"Very," he said. "Normally it drinks a pint of beer."

A man and his pig OR a pig and its man?

A man goes into a pub with a pig under his arm. The barman spots him and says, "That's the ugliest looking animal you've got there. Where on earth did you get it?"
"Won it in a raffle," says the pig.

A newly married couple and their parrot

A newly married couple inherited a parrot from an aged uncle. The parrot was very talkative and forever informing visitors as to what went on in the newly-weds' home. One evening after an embarrassing comment from the bird, the husband had had enough and said to the parrot, "That's it. You're going to be covered up much earlier in future and if you take your cage cover off or embarrass us again, you're off to the zoo."
A few days later the couple were preparing for a short tip and, as usual, the suitcase was too full to close. The husband said, "I'll get on the top and jump up and down and see if you can get it." After a bit the wife said, "This is no good, I'll get on top and you see if you can get it."
This still didn't work so the husband said, "Tell you what, lets both get on top and bounce up and down - that'll get it." With this, the parrot pulled off the cage cover and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I've gotta see!"

A very tolerant man or...?

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket, took out a biscuit and gave it to the dog. A passerby who'd seen everything was very touched. "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."
"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts."

Who is the mightiest animal in the jungle?

A tiger woke up one morning feeling magnificent. He felt so great he went outside and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "Who is the mightiest of all the jungle animals?" The terrified little monkey replied, "You, of course. No one is mightier than you."
A little while later it was a deer's turn. "Who is the greatest and strongest of all the jungle animals?" roared the tiger. The deer just managed to stammer a reply. "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
On a roll, the tiger swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly munching no some weeds and roared at the top of his voice, "Who is the mightiest of all the animals in the jungle?" The elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up, slammed him down, picked him up again and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange and black. Finally, it threw the tiger into a nearby tree. The tiger fell out of the tree, staggered to his feet, looked at the elephant and said, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, no need to get so pissed off!"