A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree," sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun and blew the f*ck out of the pheasant.
The moral of this story? BULLSHIT MIGHT GET YOU TO THE TOP, BUT IT WON'T KEEP YOU THERE.
search
Custom Search
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Strange Horse...
A man was driving through the country, got thirsty and entered a pub. After a few minutes a large brown horse came clip-clopping in, sat down at a table, crossed its legs and ordered a coffee. Astonished, he asked the pub keeper if this wasn't just a little strange.
"Very," he said. "Normally it drinks a pint of beer."
"Very," he said. "Normally it drinks a pint of beer."
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
A man and his pig OR a pig and its man?
A man goes into a pub with a pig under his arm. The barman spots him and says, "That's the ugliest looking animal you've got there. Where on earth did you get it?"
"Won it in a raffle," says the pig.
"Won it in a raffle," says the pig.
A newly married couple and their parrot
A newly married couple inherited a parrot from an aged uncle. The parrot was very talkative and forever informing visitors as to what went on in the newly-weds' home. One evening after an embarrassing comment from the bird, the husband had had enough and said to the parrot, "That's it. You're going to be covered up much earlier in future and if you take your cage cover off or embarrass us again, you're off to the zoo."
A few days later the couple were preparing for a short tip and, as usual, the suitcase was too full to close. The husband said, "I'll get on the top and jump up and down and see if you can get it." After a bit the wife said, "This is no good, I'll get on top and you see if you can get it."
This still didn't work so the husband said, "Tell you what, lets both get on top and bounce up and down - that'll get it." With this, the parrot pulled off the cage cover and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I've gotta see!"
A few days later the couple were preparing for a short tip and, as usual, the suitcase was too full to close. The husband said, "I'll get on the top and jump up and down and see if you can get it." After a bit the wife said, "This is no good, I'll get on top and you see if you can get it."
This still didn't work so the husband said, "Tell you what, lets both get on top and bounce up and down - that'll get it." With this, the parrot pulled off the cage cover and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I've gotta see!"
A very tolerant man or...?
A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket, took out a biscuit and gave it to the dog. A passerby who'd seen everything was very touched. "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."
"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts."
"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts."
Monday, March 30, 2009
Who is the mightiest animal in the jungle?
A tiger woke up one morning feeling magnificent. He felt so great he went outside and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "Who is the mightiest of all the jungle animals?" The terrified little monkey replied, "You, of course. No one is mightier than you."
A little while later it was a deer's turn. "Who is the greatest and strongest of all the jungle animals?" roared the tiger. The deer just managed to stammer a reply. "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
On a roll, the tiger swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly munching no some weeds and roared at the top of his voice, "Who is the mightiest of all the animals in the jungle?" The elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up, slammed him down, picked him up again and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange and black. Finally, it threw the tiger into a nearby tree. The tiger fell out of the tree, staggered to his feet, looked at the elephant and said, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, no need to get so pissed off!"
A little while later it was a deer's turn. "Who is the greatest and strongest of all the jungle animals?" roared the tiger. The deer just managed to stammer a reply. "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
On a roll, the tiger swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly munching no some weeds and roared at the top of his voice, "Who is the mightiest of all the animals in the jungle?" The elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up, slammed him down, picked him up again and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange and black. Finally, it threw the tiger into a nearby tree. The tiger fell out of the tree, staggered to his feet, looked at the elephant and said, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, no need to get so pissed off!"
Footbal in the Jungle
The animals were bored. Finally the lion had a great idea. "Let's play the game the humans play. Football. I've seen it on TV."
The lion's team received. They got their two firsts down and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First he crushed a road-runner, then two rabbits. He gored a wilderbeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to the daylight, scoring six. Unfortunately they lacked a place kicker and the scored remained 6-0.
Later in the first half the lion's team scored a touch-down and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at half-time.
The lion gave a pep-talk in the locker room. "Look you guys, we can win this game. But we've got to keep the ball away from the rhino. He's a killer. Mule, when you kick off, be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. He stomped two gazelles, skewered a giraffe, bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free when, suddenly, at the 20-yard line, he dropped down dead. There were no other animals in sight.
The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yes, I did," the centipede replied.
The lion yelled, "Where the hell were you during the first half?"
"Get off my back. I was putting on my shoes!"
The lion's team received. They got their two firsts down and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First he crushed a road-runner, then two rabbits. He gored a wilderbeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to the daylight, scoring six. Unfortunately they lacked a place kicker and the scored remained 6-0.
Later in the first half the lion's team scored a touch-down and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at half-time.
The lion gave a pep-talk in the locker room. "Look you guys, we can win this game. But we've got to keep the ball away from the rhino. He's a killer. Mule, when you kick off, be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. He stomped two gazelles, skewered a giraffe, bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free when, suddenly, at the 20-yard line, he dropped down dead. There were no other animals in sight.
The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yes, I did," the centipede replied.
The lion yelled, "Where the hell were you during the first half?"
"Get off my back. I was putting on my shoes!"
The Gorilla Wrestler and His Dog
In Africa a camera crew has been assigned to get footage of the World Famous Gorilla Wrestler at work. The camera crew is in the truck with him and his dog, and they come across a small tree. The wrestler says to them, "Just wait here, I'll be right back."
He climbs the tree, wrestles with a gorilla for a while, then throws it to the ground. Quick as a flash, the man's dog jumps on the poor animal and has sex with it until it faints. The man throws it in the back of the van, and they drive on to a medium-sized tree with a medium-sized gorilla. And the same thing happens.
Then they're driving along, and there's a huge tree with an absolutely massive gorilla in it. THe man hands the cameraman a gun.
"What's this for?" the cameraman asks.
"Well, there's a small chance that I might lose the battle here. And if I do, shoot the dog!"
He climbs the tree, wrestles with a gorilla for a while, then throws it to the ground. Quick as a flash, the man's dog jumps on the poor animal and has sex with it until it faints. The man throws it in the back of the van, and they drive on to a medium-sized tree with a medium-sized gorilla. And the same thing happens.
Then they're driving along, and there's a huge tree with an absolutely massive gorilla in it. THe man hands the cameraman a gun.
"What's this for?" the cameraman asks.
"Well, there's a small chance that I might lose the battle here. And if I do, shoot the dog!"
Dave and a Cat
Dave, out caught in the rain, ducked into a pub. There he met some old friends, had a few drinks and a few more, and at midnight started to stagger home through the rain. Feeling cold, he decided to get himself an Indian curry, so he headed for his local Taj Mahal take-away and ordered an extra hot vindaloo.
Arriving home, he placed the curry on the table and went upstairs for a pee. Whereupon the cat approached the curry and, feeling neglected and hungry, decided to have a go at it. Nibble nibble, chomp chomp, lick lick. The vindaloo vanished.
Dave returned and was appalled to dicover the cat licking the plate. He grabbed it by the neck and dragged it outside. "You dreadful little moggie. I hate you. You're dead," he ranted. Filling a dustbin with water, he threw the hissing cat into it and slammed the lid down. He then put a few bricks on top, just to be on the safe side.
Dave returned to his sitting room feeling very sorry for himself. A few minutes later he heard a knock on the window and, lo and behold, there was the cat. The cat looked at him and said, "You wouldn't happen to have any more water, would you?"
Arriving home, he placed the curry on the table and went upstairs for a pee. Whereupon the cat approached the curry and, feeling neglected and hungry, decided to have a go at it. Nibble nibble, chomp chomp, lick lick. The vindaloo vanished.
Dave returned and was appalled to dicover the cat licking the plate. He grabbed it by the neck and dragged it outside. "You dreadful little moggie. I hate you. You're dead," he ranted. Filling a dustbin with water, he threw the hissing cat into it and slammed the lid down. He then put a few bricks on top, just to be on the safe side.
Dave returned to his sitting room feeling very sorry for himself. A few minutes later he heard a knock on the window and, lo and behold, there was the cat. The cat looked at him and said, "You wouldn't happen to have any more water, would you?"
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Hank who farts...
Hank had a problem with flatulence. No matter what he ate, he farted. So he dreaded his new girlfriend's invitation to have dinner with her parents.
It was a very formal occasion and after he'd been sitting at the table for a while, he felt an incredible pain in his stomach and just had to fart. Just then, the family's dog Fido, which was sitting under the table, let out a growl. His girlfriend's mother yelled, "Fido!" Hank was relieved. It didn't matter if he farted, they'd blame the dog.
So he let go a bigger fart and, sure enough, the father yelled at the dog. "Fido!" But the pressure was still building up, so Hank lets out a huge, ripping fart and the mother yelled at the dog again. "Fido, get out from under the table before he shits all over you!"
It was a very formal occasion and after he'd been sitting at the table for a while, he felt an incredible pain in his stomach and just had to fart. Just then, the family's dog Fido, which was sitting under the table, let out a growl. His girlfriend's mother yelled, "Fido!" Hank was relieved. It didn't matter if he farted, they'd blame the dog.
So he let go a bigger fart and, sure enough, the father yelled at the dog. "Fido!" But the pressure was still building up, so Hank lets out a huge, ripping fart and the mother yelled at the dog again. "Fido, get out from under the table before he shits all over you!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
