A man and his pig OR a pig and its man?

A man goes into a pub with a pig under his arm. The barman spots him and says, "That's the ugliest looking animal you've got there. Where on earth did you get it?"
"Won it in a raffle," says the pig.

A newly married couple and their parrot

A newly married couple inherited a parrot from an aged uncle. The parrot was very talkative and forever informing visitors as to what went on in the newly-weds' home. One evening after an embarrassing comment from the bird, the husband had had enough and said to the parrot, "That's it. You're going to be covered up much earlier in future and if you take your cage cover off or embarrass us again, you're off to the zoo."
A few days later the couple were preparing for a short tip and, as usual, the suitcase was too full to close. The husband said, "I'll get on the top and jump up and down and see if you can get it." After a bit the wife said, "This is no good, I'll get on top and you see if you can get it."
This still didn't work so the husband said, "Tell you what, lets both get on top and bounce up and down - that'll get it." With this, the parrot pulled off the cage cover and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I've gotta see!"

A very tolerant man or...?

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket, took out a biscuit and gave it to the dog. A passerby who'd seen everything was very touched. "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."
"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts."